Tears of the Parent

by | Aug 12, 2024 | Guest Posts, Parenting

 The crying started when I was eight. It came and went as I grew, but mostly it came. As a new mother, all I wanted was to be happy.  But I wasn’t. My dreams of becoming a mother were fulfilled with the birth of my oldest child, Harrison. But the tears kept coming. Occasionally, I would have bouts of energy. Sometimes I didn’t need sleep. Other times, I slept all day. Years later, I learned I have bipolar disorder. The proper medications and psychiatry helped ease the crying. My emotions evened, and my energy levels became more consistent. I found I could mostly be happy. But what was the effect on my children?

Having Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), is a severe mental illness causing unusual mood shifts ranging from extreme highs known as “manic” episodes to extreme lows known as “depressive” episodes.

In the article, “This Is What It’s Like to Actually Live With Bipolar Disorder”, twenty-nine-year-old Danielle described being bipolar as having intense mood swings and extreme overreactions to everyday situations. Danielle would go from deeply insecure to super confident. She also had thoughts of worthlessness and suicide, along with bouts of creativity.

Danielle was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, just like me. We both experience highs and lows that affect our everyday living, as do others with bipolar disorder.

Who does Bipolar affect?

The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance reports the following:

  • 5.7 million adults, or 2.6%, have bipolar disorder.
  • Bipolar disorder can be diagnosed as early as childhood or as late as the 40’s or 50’s.
  • Most people are diagnosed around the age of 25.
  • Bipolar disorder affects all types of people. It does not discriminate between men and women, age, race, ethnic group, or social class.
  • Heredity can have an effect. Two-thirds of those diagnosed have relatives with bipolar disorder.

How are children affected?

If bipolar disorder affects Danielle and me so severely, how does it affect the children of the 5.7 million adult Americans struggling with this?

The results of one study show that families who struggle with bipolar disorder report lower levels of family cohesion, expressiveness, and higher levels of conflict compared to families that don’t struggle with bipolar.

Another study suggests that children are at an increased risk for developing mood and other disorders when their parent is bipolar.

Therefore, children of bipolar parents are more likely to develop mood disorders as compared to children without bipolar parents. This is not only because bipolar can be hereditary but also because the home can be less stable, causing anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses. The family life of those with bipolar disorder has less family cohesion. When a parent withdraws or is distant because of their mental illness, it can leave the family feeling less of a unit and more like individuals trying to survive. Families with bipolar parents are known to have a distressed family environment. The children and spouse of a parent with bipolar can feel troubled at home.

The studies show that life with a bipolar parent present unique and difficult challenges.

What happened to Harrison?

Harrison grew up with me not always being emotionally stable. I slept a lot, cried a lot, was creative and energetic at times, and irritable at times. I did my best to hide the hard parts and explain the visible parts.

So how is he now? Harrison is nineteen and away at college. He texts me every day. “Hi, Mom. How are you?” He is happy, well-adjusted, kind, caring, compassionate, and empathetic. Harrison wants to be a counselor.

Was Harrison affected by me as a bipolar mother? Of course, but despite the unique challenges we faced as a family, he has learned how to handle those challenges and become better from them. He let me rest when I needed rest and asked if I was ok. He offered hugs when my eyes were red from crying. He was not responsible for caring for me, but he was kind and gentle. He learned to listen to his friends. They call him when they are struggling. He offers his friends support and asks me to pray for them. The effects of having a bipolar mom not only shaped the course of Harrison’s life but put it on a trajectory to help others. Not every child will have the same outcome and that’s okay! Every child has a different personality and experience in life. Though they will face many challenges there are things that can be done to help them as they navigate life with a bipolar parent. 

What you can do as a bipolar parent

If you are a parent and have bipolar disorder, there are steps you can take to help yourself and your family.

  • Take your medication and get psychiatric help. Don’t skip the pills or miss your appointments. Your mind and body need consistency.
  • Take care of your body. Eat regular meals, get a good night’s rest, drink plenty of water, and get your body moving.
  • Be honest and open with your children. Explain how you feel and what you are going through in an age-appropriate way. Sometimes, simply saying, “I’m feeling sad today,” can help ease a child’s mind.
  • Be gentle with yourself and show yourself grace. Don’t beat yourself up. You can do this.

Can life be hard for a child with a bipolar parent? Of course! But it doesn’t have to be grim. No family will look like mine, and everyone will learn how to manage bipolar disorder in different ways. But there is hope. Look at Harrison.

My name is Kendra Cuzick. I am studying marriage and family at BYU-Idaho. I teach preschool and write children’s books. I advocate for mental health by writing a weekly blog called, “How Are You Monday”. Supporting others with their mental health is important to me as I can personally empathize with them because of my own mental health struggles. I live in Phoenix, Arizona, with my husband and five children

Of Heroes and Villains: The Impact of Screens on Today’s Youth

by | Mar 20, 2024 | Guest Posts, Parenting, Uncategorized

The Lost Boys

Todd and Lionel, ages 13 and 9, are brothers who spend most afternoons after school alone in their apartment. The boys are not allowed to go outside after school because their mother works, and she worries about their safety and the influence of the local children. So, after warming up their Hot Pockets, they play video games or watch movies to pass the time. Their recreational screen time (ST) consumption averages four or more hours a day, and the content is often fraught with violence and sexuality.

Todd used to love Spiderman and Batman, but that has morphed into an obsession with villains, especially The Joker, Pennywise, and Jason. He is socially awkward and has few friends. His conversations usually revolve around his favorite video games and horror movies. He has little interest in physical activity and doesn’t like school.

Lionel enjoys sports but can’t play because of his mother’s work schedule and a lack of money. He is fascinated with Anime characters such as Naruto and Pokémon. Not surprisingly, he is also lagging behind his peers academically. He appears sad and has become more withdrawn even from family.

What’s the Big Deal?

Todd and Lionel are not unique in their attraction to, and time spent, playing video games, and watching digital movies. They are among millions of children in the U.S. and worldwide who are impacted by the overuse of screens. In 2021 children between the ages of 8-12 (tweens) spent an average of 5 hours and 33 minutes on their screens.  Those between the ages of 13-18 (teens) spent an average of 8 hours and 39 minutes on theirs. This statistic does not include school time use. The majority of their recreational ST is spent watching online videos, playing video games, and using social media. Boys spend an hour a day more than girls on daily ST. They play more video games than girls who use social media more. Both genders spend about equal time watching videos, especially on YouTube.

Children today certainly have a different lifestyle than those who grew up pre-video/internet era. Everything from food to entertainment these days is ready-made, and gratification is instantaneous. Kids are easily bored because the high pace and repetitive nature of video games create overstimulation, which are designed to be addictive. Screen-free, imaginative, physical play is foreign to them.

Children’s social interactions are limited at best, and they are not making real connections with real people. More youth are hanging out virtually through texting, video chats, gaming, or watching movies together. This equates to not learning communication or social skills, or developing emotional resilience. They have less ability to deal with stress, boredom, and adversity, so loneliness, poor self-esteem, and anxiety result.

There is a well-documented link between excessive screen time and depression. Why? Firstly, physical activity, which is essential for good mental and physical health, has been substantially reduced by excessive ST. The CDC recommends that children 6-17 years be physically active for at least 60 minutes every day. Fewer children walk to and from school, and recess has been reduced in thousands of elementary schools, so unless a child regularly engages in team sports or dance, or can play with other neighborhood children, they become sedentary, reliant on screens to entertain them.

Depression is the leading cause of disability and poor health among children and teens. Overuse of ST rose during the COVID-19 pandemic (2019-2021) as did incidences of depression and anxiety. This statistic has not changed much since then. Depressive tendencies often carry over into adulthood and affect the quality of life and ability to thrive.

Secondly, excessive ST interferes with proper sleep, and the combination of insufficient physical activity and poor sleep hygiene is linked to depression. This often leads to poor academicperformance. This is particularly problematic during adolescence because when teens aren’t engaged in school, don’t do well, or feel overwhelmed by the workload, anxiety increases, and self-esteem diminishes. The worse they feel, the more they turn to ST, intensifying their depressive symptoms. It’s a villainous cycle.

Children can suffer cognitive and emotional impairment with early and/or excessive ST. They are not learning problem-solving skills, emotional regulation, and critical thinking, which are essential academic and life skills. These kids stand a higher chance of school burnout, leading to higher dropout rates. Low educational achievement reduces employment opportunities, leading to eventual poverty.

Technology is essential in this day and age. There are a multitude of advantages, including the convenience of communication and educational experiences that encourage attentional abilities, improve memory, and allow access to unique learning opportunities. The educational use of ST is not the primary issue here; it’s the recreational overuse of it that is harmful.

It Takes a H.E.R.O.

H: 2 Hours

Todd and Lionel, and the millions of other children in this world need their parents and caregivers to step up to be their protectors, their heroes. The first thing that needs to be done is to monitor how much time children are spending on their screens. The recommendation for recreational ST is between one and two hours daily.

E: Educate

Being educated about how to use ST to the best advantage of children will prevent a myriad of potential ills. RAISE is a free app that helps families reclaim their role as protectors of their children. Be informed about the content of what children are watching, playing, and browsing. Know how to use filters and other parental controls and talk to children about “why” they are necessary.

R: Relationships

The best replacement for screens is parental relationships. Spending more quality screen-free time with children, talking, and playing with them, will improve the relationships within families and communities. Be patient; this is a process that will take some time for them to get used to.

O: Observe

Hypocrisy is a powerful villain. Observe your own behavior. Set the example you want children to follow. Pay attention to changes in children’s moods, their interests, and who they are spending time with, and act when needed. Be the hero they need.

Shellie Ehlert is a senior at Brigham Young University-Idaho in the Department of Home & Family Studies.  She is passionate about strengthening families through education. She believes in Maya Angelou’s adage that we do our best until we know better, and when we know better, we do better. Shellie’s greatest accomplishment has been her education, and her greatest joy is her husband, Jack, and their large, blended family of 9 children and 13 grandchildren. She enjoys running, studying foreign languages, and indulging in her monthly McDouble from McDonald’s.

Are You Feeling like the Black Sheep Too?

by | Mar 11, 2024 | Guest Posts

Have you ever felt that you did not belong?  Maybe you feel a little different than those around you?  It’s like an internal battle that creates a feeling of being the “black sheep” or the “outcast.” I have seen this happen in my family and have experienced it in my own life.  

First, my younger sister.  Thanks to relentless allergies and a struggle with depression at a young age, she felt miserable and seemed to take it out on all of us.  Our family could not go anywhere without her having a meltdown or throwing a fit.  Her behavior was used as an excuse anytime our family missed out on fun experiences or memory-making moments.  There was a lot of frustration, anger, and stress with my parents that spread into our family and my sister seemed to be at the center of it.  She was like the “black sheep.”

This role of the “black sheep”, or the “outcast,” is labeled as the identified patient.  The identified patient seems to take the brunt of the family’s problems and/or gets blamed for every negative thing.  By having an identified patient in the family, it is often easier to hide root issues that are not resolved in the family’s system.  It is a bit like playing the blame game.  If there is someone to blame for the discontent, then the deeper struggles can be pushed aside.  In my sister’s case, her behavior gave the perfect space for blame when it was needed in our family.  

Second, my personal struggles.  As my siblings and I grew, I began to struggle with anxiety which was not easily understood.   As I started a family of my own, anxiety and depression reared its ugly head.  I was faced with an emotional battle that I did not know how to handle on my own.  It was hard enough that my husband did not know how to help, but it was worse when I felt I could not rely on my family of origin for comfort or support.  

Everyone said to “get over it” or “let it go.”  As an adult, my parents and siblings would often try to talk me into doing recreational things with them because “it would help me.”  When I would say “no,” ridicule would often follow, or plans would change, and I would feel blamed. Sometimes I felt as if I was being treated as a sick patient, which often left me with a victim mentality or a feeling of being helpless.  In any case, I would find myself feeling worse mentally and emotionally simply because I was misunderstood and I felt I had taken on the role as the “outcast.”

Finding Space for Blame

According to Marriage and Family Therapist and Relational Trauma Recovery Specialist, Annie Wright, an identified patient is one that emerges from a negative family lifestyle.  This can be an abusive, dysfunctional, or chaotic family with adversity in the early childhood of the “patient.”  Anytime that a family is not able to tolerate or handle stressful situations, an identified patient can, and possibly will, emerge.  Instead of working on the root problems within the family, it is often easier to find an imagined source of contention and place the blame on him or her, resulting in the “real problem” being ignored and dysfunction being disguised.  

A Rise in Anxiety

How does this affect us today?  According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), 3.6%, or 264 million people worldwide struggle with anxiety.  In the United States alone, the prevalence of anxiety in adults is 19.1%, and in teenagers, ranging in age from 13 to 18 years old, about 32%.  

So, imagine this is you.  You are striving each day to make it the best day despite feeling overworked, providing for a family, the loss of a job, health issues, parenting, relationship issues, the never-ending list of household chores, etc.  Every now and then, you experience anxiety because of the heavy load that you carry.  For a teen or a child, the reasons for developing anxiety are different.  The National Education Association explored some of these reasons and found the pressure to fit in, to achieve, and from social media were at the top of the list.  In addition, not feeling safe at school has also become a fear.

Now imagine turning to family or loved ones and feeling neglect rather than support.  How would you handle that situation?  How would you find your “safe space?”  Unfortunately, for some, that “safe space” comes in the form of consistent worry and anxiety and a feeling of looming loneliness while living each day.  

Annie Wright claims that when the family system is not able to tolerate the growing stressors around them, family members take care of themselves by outsourcing or dumping their feelings onto one individual leaving this member of the family feeling worn down and anxious. Often teens and children make themselves the identified patient by keeping their personal stressors tucked inside.  Without adequate support to work through the negative feelings or thoughts, a generalized anxiety disorder or some form of mental illness may begin to develop.

Finding Relief and Support

Anxiety is on the rise for many.  We could all do better to help lift, support, and love one another regardless of our struggles so that we can all maintain a level of safety and peace within ourselves. Dr. Terry Warner taught, “Seeing other people as the problem, is the problem.” Instead of pointing out the “black sheep” or labeling others as an “anxious person,” we should help one another to heal through a higher level of compassion and support.    We have the power to create change by recognizing our need to advocate for one another and erasing the idea of the identified patient.  

The Jefferson Center offers some insight to help families better understand one another.  They suggest staying calm, being an active listener, respecting differing opinions, considering the bigger picture, and creating safe boundaries.  These useful tips can be used in any situation especially with anxiety.  

Ways to help lessen anxiety in yourself or someone you love include meditation, yoga, rest, exercise, journaling, and therapy.  When support from loved ones seems too far distant, finding those that have your best interest at heart is vital.  Anxiety can be a lonely battle, especially if others try to label you as the identified patient, but with the right tools, you can become empowered and grow through the struggle.  

 

My name is Heather Larsen. I am married and have two kids.  My family is my world!  I am graduating from BYU-Idaho in July 2024 with plans to attend grad school to study mental health and well-being.  I am a family life coach working toward becoming board-certified.  I have truly enjoyed working in the coaching field and walking with people along their journeys.  After enduring my own personal struggle, I have developed love and gratitude for anxiety.  I am committed to learning about, sharing with, advocating for, and supporting those who have a similar struggle.

Teasing or Sibling Abuse?

by | Aug 2, 2023 | Guest Posts, home

Sadie’s Story

Laying in the cold sheets of her bed as the tears dried on her face, Sadie wondered why they hated her. What had she done to them to have them hate her so much? Maybe if she was prettier and smarter like her older sister, or if she was blonde and had blue eyes like her younger sisters, they would love her more. She wondered if she was really adopted, more like hoped she was, and her birth parents would one day come and rescue her. Anxiety filled her mind and body just thinking about tomorrow. She knew she would soon have to face them all again, and it would start all over.

​As morning came, she rolled herself out of bed. She listened at the door to make sure no one was coming down the hall. The sound of her parents talking, and her baby brother crying was all she heard. She opened her door slightly and peeked out. The hallway was clear to the bathroom, so she hurried across the hall and locked the bathroom door behind her. A quick shower was all she needed. As she turned on the water she heard a bang on the door, “Hurry up moron you have been in there all morning, it’s my turn.” She hurried out and as she passed an older sibling in the hall, she felt a hand on her head and then her face smack against the wall. “Watch where you’re going, idiot.” This was just the beginning of her morning and knew this wasn’t the worst of it. Sadie suffered each day with a constant battle for survival in her own home. Her siblings called her names, spit in her drinks when she wasn’t looking, made fun of her crooked teeth, and much more. Sadie wasn’t the only sibling to experience abuse happening in the family. 

During the day she had some relief from the hate at home. She had a few friends but mostly kept to herself. She didn’t talk much because she was afraid of what her peers would say about her. Her teachers would often comment about how she was so quiet and never spoke up in class. But even the attention of her teacher asking her this filled her with anxiety. She was not used to having an adult talk to her in a calm manner. But this was still easy compared to what she faced at home.

Teasing or Sibling Abuse?

​If this story is starting to sound like you have heard this before, then you may have come from a larger family or know someone who has. Although sibling abuse occurs most frequently in large families, it can still occur in any family, no matter how small or large. Some would say this behavior is just normal sibling behavior. That they are just playing and teasing each other. But how far does just teasing have to go to be considered abuse?

Overlooking this abuse can be detrimental to a child’s self-confidence and mental health. Children who suffer from sibling abuse are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, panic attacks, low self-esteem, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and suicide. They are at higher risk of facing other types of abuse in their life including domestic violence, dating violence, and intimate partner violence. If this abuse was happening to Sadie at school, there would be interventions to help stop this abuse. We have programs for domestic violence, child abuse, and bullying at school, but when it comes from a sibling it is considered harmless.

Research suggests that parents have a hard time determining what is abuse and what should be considered harmful teasing. In non-sexual sibling abuse, the abuse is more likely to be emotional and, in some cases, physical. In Sadie’s case, she was experiencing emotional and physical abuse. Her parents tried to stop the fighting but just couldn’t keep up. They never thought it could cause so many adverse effects for their children that they would carry with them through their lives. 40 % of American children have participated in physical sibling abuse, and 85 % participated in psychological abuse.

What Can I Do?

How can we help children like Sadie? Watch for signs, in Sadie’s case, the signs were: being quiet, keeping to herself, and being nervous to talk to others. Report to the authorities if you suspect something could be happening at home. Even if they do not find anything at least this allows the parents to reflect on their child’s well-being. Parents, watch how your children interact with each other, if there is name calling, hitting or other physical or mental abuse put a stop to it. Teach your children about respect and what to do if someone is mistreating them. And finally, by sharing the knowledge that sibling abuse is real we can help more children like Sadie to escape the trauma and anxiety of being afraid in their own home.

Fortunately, Sadie did get help, from her guidance counselor at school. Sadie and her family were able to get the family counseling they needed. She is currently working as a family therapist and advocating for children who are experiencing any form of abuse.

My name is Mindy Ash, I am from West Mountain, Utah. I have lived in Utah all of my life and love living here. I am married with three children. I have a son-in-law, a new grandbaby, and a soon-to-be daughter-in-law. I am currently working towards my bachelor’s degree in marriage, family, and human relations at Brigham Young University- Idaho through the pathways program. I will then work towards my master’s degree in family and marriage therapy. My plan is to help others who have struggled with a spouse or family member struggling with addiction.

The Impact of Bullying on Mental Health

by | Jul 22, 2023 | Guest Posts

My world shattered when I was 17 years old. I was a junior in high school and a member of my school’s drama presidency. I never imagined how cruel my friends of over six years could be. One of my friends began spreading rumors and ‘accidentally’ shoving me into lockers or tripping me. I sought help from my other friends, but none of them believed me. I thought things were improving when she seemed to back off. However, after the end-of-the-year drama banquet, I showed up to school and not a single one of my friends would acknowledge my existence.

I spent weeks being whispered about and ignored by my friends. Eventually, they sent texts telling me I was worthless and better off dead. I began experiencing at least three panic attacks per day. I would hide in the drama dressing rooms with the lights off and cry. I went to the drama teacher, but he chose to believe the group of people I used to call friends over me. I spent that summer as a shell of who I used to be. If it wasn’t for my loving and supportive family, I’m not sure where I would be today.

Unfortunately, there are millions of other stories like mine, and not all of them are lucky enough to have a family like mine. It has been reported in the United States that 1 in 5 students are bullied per school year. Bullying can include being the subject of name-calling, insults, rumors, physical aggression, or being purposely excluded from group activities. Students who are perceived as different are at a higher risk of being bullied. We often refer to these students as minority students. This applies to students of the LGBTQ community, religious minorities, racial minorities, and students with disabilities.

Regardless of a student’s demographics, bullying causes detrimental effects on a student’s mental health. Victims of bullying have a higher chance of experiencing depression, suicidal tendencies, anxiety, and low self-esteem. When a student’s self-esteem is damaged, they are more likely to experience a decrease in self-confidence and an increase in self-criticism. The bullies themselves also experience adverse effects which increase their likelihood to abuse alcohol, drugs, future partners, or future children. Bullying is harmful to everyone involved.

Students used to be able to come home from school and escape the torment of their bullies. However, by the age of 12, 71% of children have a phone and 56% of children have their own social media accounts. This creates the gateway for cyberbullying. Students with access to social media no longer have a safe place to hide from their bullies. A survey showed that 15.7% of high school students were victims of cyberbullying within the past year before taking the survey. Cyberbullying involves being bullied via technology and experiencing name-calling, spreading rumors, physical threats, stalking, receiving unwanted explicit images, and having personal explicit images shared without their consent.

During the COVID-19 worldwide pandemic, students’ social media addictions increased. The more time they spend on social media, the more likely they are to become a victim of cyberbullying. These students aren’t just statistics. These students are your children, your grandchildren, your nieces and nephews, and your siblings. The children in your life are just one filter away from enjoying TikTok and memes to experiencing online harassment or extortion. Your children can experience lifelong damage as victims of bullying that affects their ability to trust in any future friendships or intimate relationships. So, what can you do to help ensure your children are safe from bullying at home and at school?

I strongly encourage parents to promote honesty in their homes, teach internet safety, help build self-confidence, establish boundaries, and keep computers and other electronic devices in an easily monitored location. There is a lot of disagreement on whether smartphones should be allowed in a child’s room at night. I don’t believe there is a universal answer since each child is unique. It is important to have these discussions with your child so they feel they have a voice and that their opinion matters. Treating them with respect will help build their self-confidence.

Some things schools can do to help prevent bullying are to teach students empathy, create opportunities for students to connect, and watch for concerning behaviors. Teachers are essential in helping to prevent bullying in school. While the number of students to teachers is highly disproportionate, teachers need to be watchful for signs of bullying. Members of the school board can create rules to better protect children, and create bullying protocols. For these rules and protocols to be effective, they must be strictly enforced.

The most important people to help prevent bullying are other students because they are the ones on the front lines. Students, watch for ways you can help someone in need. It can be difficult to stand up for a victim because you feel you could be next, but I plead with you to take a stand. If one student stands up for another, more are likely to join in. I know it would have meant the world to me if someone had stood up for me.

 Kaitlyn Wangsgard is a graduate of the Marriage and Family Studies Department at Brigham Young University-Idaho. Her current area of focus is Marriage and Family Studies. She enjoys reading, the performing arts, strategic games, and spending time with her family.

Family Dinner: Feeding Connection to a Starving Generation

by | Apr 19, 2023 | Guest Posts, home

Eating dinner together will change your child’s life. (Hint: It’s not about the food.)

Don’t get me wrong—I’ve learned a lot of food-related life lessons at the kitchen table. Wait your turn. Only take what you can eat. Don’t talk with your mouth full. Express gratitude.

On a less food-related note, eating together also taught me how to keep up with the banter of movie quotes and quips between my siblings. Dad helped us to appreciate good storytelling and how to estimate the height of a cereal box. Mom taught us to slow down and breathe deeply, at least once a day.

At face value, these things might not seem overtly remarkable or life-changing to learn.You might be thinking, “That’s fine and well for you, but it just doesn’t work in my family. Besides, what’s the big deal? Would missing out on any of this really affect my child?”

Let me assure you, this is not just a matter of table manners or meal etiquette. What if I told you that eating meals as a family impacts your child’s future, including their social, mental, physical, and academic development? Allow me to explain.

A 2008 study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health discovered a correlation between the frequency of family meals and female adolescent substance abuse. As the frequency of family meals increased, the use of substances such as alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana decreased.

Another study reported similar findings regarding at-risk behaviors among both males and females. This evidence strengthens the claim that less family meals indicate more prevalence of drug and alcohol use, violence, depression, and other harmful behaviors among adolescents.

So yes, it is a big deal. Choosing to regularly eat meals together as a family will help protect your children against risky and detrimental behavior.

Why is this the case? What does family dinner have to do with happy and healthy children? One of the studies mentioned above sheds light on this question. Not only was a lack of family meals connected with at-risk behavior, but a habit of regular family meals was connected with increased parental involvement, healthy boundaries, family support, good adult role models, academic motivation, self-esteem, and other benefits. (What a mouthful!) Each of these indicates a positive overall home environment.

Again, it’s not about the food. It’s about the culture your family creates, the relationship your family builds, and the connection your family fosters by sharing meals together. Your child needs this stable, loving, involved family environment in order to truly thrive.

Is the lack of shared family meals really an issue today? For the first time ever, the U.S. Department of Agriculture reported that food expenditures away from home exceeded those for food at home. That was in 2010. This trend has continued through 2021. The more money we spend on meals away from home, the less likely we are to be eating with our family. Because family meals are essential to creating and maintaining the family environment, this doesn’t bode well for our children.

As a parent, you may be reading this and thinking, “Oh no—not another thing to add to my overfull parenting plate!” (Food pun intended.) You might think you’re simply too busy or it’s too inconvenient to feasibly eat meals together as a family.

If you think this way, I plead with you to think again.

Are you really too busy to create priceless opportunities to connect with your children?

Is it really less convenient to eat together than it is to help your child navigate depression, addiction, or aggressive behavior?

Motivational speaker Marcus Taylor said it well: “You must suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret. Being fit is hard. Being overweight is hard. Choose your hard!”

As a child, I could not choose whether my family shared meals. Your child cannot choose this either. As the parent, this is your choice. Prioritizing family meals will be hard. Dealing with the long-term developmental and relationship consequences of not having family meals will be hard. “Choose your hard.”​

Whether you already make time for multiple family meals each week or if you can’t remember the last time you sat down to dinner together, you can take a step towards improvingyour family culture, relationships, and connections by making family mealtimes a priority. If this is new to you, start by picking one meal each week for everyone to share at home together. Choose to be intentional about your child’s future. “Choose your hard.”

Erin Poore is a Minnesota girl. She is currently studying Marriage and Family Studies and Apparel Design at Brigham Young University-Idaho, and wishing she had unlimited elective credits to pursue everything else she finds engaging. She loves planned spontaneity and adventuring outdoors, treasures time with her family, and enjoys every opportunity to be creative, whether that’s dancing, writing, playing music, or inventing the next analogy or pun to share with alternately awed or cringing friends.