The Polluted Pond of Pop-Culture Dating: What is unhealthy dating and how can it be improved?

by | Nov 26, 2022 | Guest Posts

Many of you may be wondering why in the title of this article pop-culture dating is so bad tat it has to be compared to a polluted pond or a picture of a dead fish.That will be explained as this article goes on, but first, ponder this:

Does a fish that has lived in polluted water its entire life know that it is in polluted water? In other words, does the fish need to swim in clean water to know about pollution?? As you think of this analogy, reflect on your own dating experiences for a minute. How was it overall? What kinds of activities did you do? Was your experience mostly positive or negative? These questions might lead you to think back on some hilariously awkward, stressful, or anxiety-provoking situations that you felt during those times. I have plenty of dating experiences myself that fit that description, especially as a current college student. In my experience, people–or maybe it’s just college students–do not know how to date.
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During my first three semesters of college, I was not asked on one date, just “hangouts”. When I did end up going on dates–because I caved in and downloaded a dating app–it felt as if I was only there to provide physical touch for guys that craved it. No bueno. It was so stressful and I started to despise going on dates and “hangouts” disguised as dates. It was clear that the dating culture I was suddenly immersed in was no longer about doing fun things and getting to know a wide variety of guys, it had now become people using one another fulfilling their wants masquerading as “needs”. Regardless of how each of us views our past dating experiences, think of how the current dating culture might impact young people today–especially your own children. How might it affect their relationships 20 years from now? How is this polluted dating culture affecting your relationships now?
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According to the Pew Research Center, most people in the dating scene are not satisfied and think finding a significant other has gotten even harder today than it was in the past. Of those that are currently dating, 67% said that overall, their dating is not going well. Only 33% of daters in the study say that their dating is going very or fairly well overall (see chart).

So how did we get here? How did dating become something so negative? And why do we even still do it?

Unless you are Patrick Star and live under a rock at the bottom of the sea, you have probably noticed–especially on college campuses today–the popular terms of “hanging out” and “hooking up.” Hanging out is essentially watered-down dating without intention or purpose. Monto and Carey (2014) specify that hooking up is “a pattern involving transitory sexual interactions between partners who have no expectation of a continued romantic relationship or sexuality outside of a committed relationship.” In other words, hooking up is:

Sex without strings and relationships without rings.

For most people, especially those engaging in these activities, this phenomenon might not seem like such a bad thing. However, many studies have found that casual sex and the hang-out/hook-up culture can increase psychological distress, anxiety, depression, in addition to “[lowered] self-esteem and reduced life satisfaction” (Napper et al., 2016). I don’t know about you, but these outcomes do not sound very appealing. I personally have experienced these negative outcomes in my own life and can see them in the lives of my peers.

The Polluted Waters

Now back to the fish in polluted water. As you’ve probably already guessed, we young people are the fish and this toxic dating culture is the polluted water. Figuratively speaking, some of us have only ever known polluted water. And just like the fish, if you’re in this toxicity long enough, it can be harmful to your overall health. But there is hope! We can clean the “dating water” we are in and break the cycle creating a new environment for ourselves and our relationships. But how?

 

Using Dr. Jon Van Epp’s Relationship Attachment Model (RAM), we can gain some insight into good and healthy dating attitudes and habits. The RAM model (see image) is built with five sliders that are labeled: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch. Each of these are important components of any and all relationships. Dr. Van Epp explains in his book How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk that each slider should be slightly lower than the previous one…in ascending order. This simply means, it is important to know someone more than you trust them; and to trust them more than you rely on them; and to rely on them more than you are committed to them; and to commit to them more than your amount of physical touch.

The dating culture today–which is generating more emotional and mental health problems–is more of a “Relationship Detachment Model.” Physical touch is often the highest slider, rather than one’s knowledge of and trust in the person with whom they are having sex.

Essentially, research has discovered that healthy dating (i.e., clean water) follows this model and helps to build stable and satisfying relationships that can then enhance future families and society as a whole.

If more of us follow this model, especially in high school or college, the dating waters will be clean and individuals and couples will thrive, both in these dating stages and later on in marriage or with our families. The principles of the RAM have changed me and the way I approach dating for the better! I strongly encourage you to read How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, incorporate its ideas, and teach others to do the same.

Sydney Stratton is from Lubbock, Texas, and is a junior in Marriage and Family Studies at Brigham Young University – Idaho. She is currently the Vice President of the Child and Family Advocacy Society on campus.

What Chance Will You Give Yourself?

by | Oct 14, 2022 | Advocacy, Guest Posts

Ghosts From My Mother’s Past

My mother, Debbie Madsen*, was ten years old when she first began to recognize the heartbreaking changes that would come into her life from having an alcoholic father. In a small town in southern Idaho, Bobby and Debbie were the best of friends. They spent their childhood passing through the doors of one another’s homes. That is, until the day Bobby passed out of Debbie’s home one final time, with the vow never to return rolling off his young lips.

My grandfather was one of the kindest, sweetest, and most thoughtful men you’d ever meet, but only when he was sober. Drinking turned him into the worst of the worst; in went the booze and out went Dr. Jekyll. And on this fateful night, Bobby was around when the evil Hyde had full reign in the Madsen home.

When dinner was served, Debbie left Bobby to wait for her in their playroom, doodling on the chalkboard. On the other side of the wall was the Madsen’s dining room. Unfortunately, what Bobby and Debbie didn’t know was that the sound made by the chalk every time Bobby drew would be heard through the thin wall. Every innocent stroke of the chalk caused darkness to gather in my inebriated grandfather. And eventually, my loving grandfather was gone once more. In his place was an angry and hateful Hyde.

Through the thin walls, Hyde began to drunkenly and loudly question the “sounds of a mouse” in the next room. Hyde’s loud, abrasive questioning led him to express possible ways to terrorize and then terminate the “mouse” into silence. Regardless of the implied threats against her dear friend, Debbie still kept quiet; she knew what was best. Alcoholic homes have unspoken rules and they all obeyed them.

As soon as she was excused, Debbie dashed to the playroom and found Bobby with an ashen countenance, deathly quiet, and stricken immobile from fear. Wordlessly, Debbie ushered Bobby out of her house. That night, as Bobby silently passed out of the Madsen home one last time, it was a sense of relief that flooded through Debbie; Bobby was safe.

The next day on the way to school, on the sidewalk in between their homes, Bobby told Debbie he would never step foot in her house again. And he didn’t. As the years continued to go by, Debbie passed less and less through the doors of Bobby’s home. Her life and the secrets it held required more managing, along with the addition of more unspoken family rules that demanded obedience. Eventually, Bobby slowly became a distant, sorrowful memory for my mother.

Bobby and Debbie

Lessons for Today From My Mother’s Past

There are many things my mother wasn’t aware of then that she understands now. While the demands of society during those decades required secrecy, she had never been the only child learning how to deal with an alcoholic parent. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has reported that 7.5 million (10.5 percent) of children aged 17 or younger live in a household with at least one parent who has an alcohol use disorder. As my mother has aged, her feelings of shame and embarrassment have abated as she’s been able to recognize that there is strength in numbers.

Additionally, there are two prongs to the perpetuation of substance use disorders in a family system. The first prong is intimate exposure to substance abuse. The Journal of Child & Adolescent Substance Abuse has reported that children who are raised in a home with a substance-dependent parent have a much higher likelihood of becoming substance abusers themselves. As a result, the family history of the substance abuse cycle takes root and the second prong is born. In research published by Addictive Behaviors, findings show that a family history of substance use disorders creates an unhealthy cycle in family systems that make it hard for children of substance abusers to break. So, the cycle goes on, from one generation to the next.

My mother was too young at the time to notice the other extended members of her family who were alcoholics, too. Her paternal grandmother, great-uncles, and great-aunt all struggled with it to varying degrees. Because of our strong family history of alcoholism, the proclivity to become an alcoholic runs deep within our veins.

Creating Your Own Chance

Now, these two strikes against my grandfather make it seem as though he didn’t have a fighting chance. An alcoholic he was doomed to be…right? The reality, though, is that we all have a chance. We all have a choice. We all have a hand in the creation of what roles we play in our family system. My mother has never had a drink and neither have I. She refused to continue the cycle of substance abuse in her own family of creation, and I am determined to do the same in mine. My mother is strong, resolute, and brave, and I am grateful.

The seemingly insignificant yet sincere invitation I extended to my mother asking her to share the delicate and heartbreaking experiences from her youth opened a dialogue that had previously been closed. With open dialogue, families are empowered. Mental health and healing can be prioritized. Trusted support, professionally and socially, outside of a dysfunctional family system can be found for the substance abuser and their loved ones. What hard questions are you willing to ask so that healing dialogue can happen?

Knowledge matters. Knowledge gives directed courses of action that enable the protection and strengthening of future generations. What ghost stories from your own family’s past need to be shared so that you can help others? I didn’t know it all, but I knew enough to ask. What cycles are you strong enough to not only recognize but also break? Because you do have a chance, even if the only way to get it is by creating it yourself.

(*Name has been changed)

 

References

Acheson, A., Vincent, A. S., Cohoon, A. J., & Lovallo, W. R. (2018). Defining the phenotype of young adults with family histories of alcohol and other substance use disorders: Studies from the family health patterns project. Addictive Behaviors, 77, 247–254. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2017.10.014

American Addiction Centers. (2021). Children of alcoholics: The impacts of alcoholics on kids. https://americanaddictioncenters.org/alcoholism-treatment/children

SAMHSA. (2017). Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Children living with parents who have a substance abuse disorder. https://www.samhsa.gov/data/report/children-living-parents-who-have-substance-use-disorder

Tarter, R. E., Schultz, K., Kirisci, L., & Dunn, M. (2001). Does living with a substance abusing father increase substance abuse risk in male offspring? Impact on individual, family, school, and peer vulnerability factors. Journal of Child and Adolescent Substance Abuse, 10(3), 59–70. https://doi.org/10.1300/J029v10n03_04

 

About the Author

Rebecca Whittaker has an Associate of Applied Science in Marriage and Family Studies, a Marriage, Family, and Human Relations Certificate, and an Advanced Marriage and Family Functioning Certificate. She is currently working on completing her Bachelor of Science in Marriage and Family Studies through Brigham Young University-Idaho online. The majority of her time as a single mom is spent either homeschooling her three children, furthering her own education, fantasizing about the time she used to have to read at leisure, or relishing an ice-cold soda while soaking up the sun.

 

7 Tips for Fighting Pornography’s Harms in Your Home

by | Jul 27, 2021 | Guest Posts, Parenting

When my son was about 8 years old, he quietly knocked on the door of our bedroom one night. We invited him in, and I could sense his unease. “Mommy, I think I did something bad.” The tears began to flow as we scooped him up and inquired over his supposed misdeed. “I was watching a music video and I saw a man’s bum. It was naked. I’m so sorry”. He believed he had viewed pornography. He was a sobbing mess, but my mommy-heart melted over the admission because we have always been honest in our home about the damaging effects of pornography. This meant it had sunk into his little mind and heart. Even a naked bum sent his conscience reeling. He believed he had viewed pornography. And he was right, accidental as it was. 

The Problem with Pornography

While this event might seem minor in the grand scheme of what could have been available to my son in the world of pornography, it’s still no small matter. It’s a rare occasion that users of pornography jump straight to “hard-core porn”. It usually starts inadvertently and small: a naked rear, for example. Most exposure happens early, with the average first age of exposure at 8 years old. One Australian study reports that by age 14, nearly 94% of youth have seen pornography. This is troublesome on many levels. This is a crucial developmental period when an under-developed prefrontal cortex makes children and youth less capable of making rational decisions. My son fit the demographics to a tee, and we count ourselves blessed that he had the good sense to look away and come talk to us. 

Many of you, like me, are parents with unsuspecting, innocent children. You love them, care for them, and want what’s best for them. You’d do anything to protect them. But the pornography industry is crafty. They don’t care about protecting your children. Your children are seen as potential consumers for their product. And they will do anything to hook them. Pornography is nicely packaged these days. A popular magazine, lyrics of a catchy song, popup ads, or a music video. It’s easier than ever for your child to be exposed and hooked. 

Some argue the benefits of porn. Such benefits include sexual education, sexual satisfaction, and sexual release. But the other side of the coin speaks volumes when correlations are linked to rape, aggression, sex-trafficking, infidelity, divorce, among others.

Think it would never happen in your home or that your child has never been exposed? Think again. A recent report by the BBFC reports that while 75% of parents believe their children have never seen porn, 53% of those children actually have. Your children could be among those. 

How You Can Protect Your Family

While those numbers can be discouraging, it doesn’t mean that we can’t do something about it. And it doesn’t mean that accidental exposure inevitably leads to a pornography addiction. My son is proof that with the right kind of education and action, we can feel secure that our children will make the right decisions in those moments. We can take charge in our homes today to protect our children against pornography exposure and its damaging effects. Here are seven things that have worked for our family:

1. Do the talking before someone else does. 

The pornography industry is eager to get to your children before you do. Don’t give them the satisfaction. If pornography exposure starts early, then talking needs to start early.

2. Make home a safe space to talk.

Our kids know that they can ask us anything without unfair reaction or judgement. Children need to know that they can have their questions answered lovingly and honestly. If your child has a question, let them ask and then do your best to answer. If you don’t know, say so, and schedule a time to talk again once you’ve found answers. Keep your word and follow up. Parent-child communication is key to opening up about these hard issues. 

3. The discussion about pornography must be ongoing. 

I cringe when I hear parents say that they’ve successfully given their children “the talk.” This is not a “one and done” event. Discussing important things like sex and pornography must be ongoing. Your children are growing and developing. This includes their understanding of and curiosity about pornography. Keep talking.

4. Set rules as a family. 

We found that our children are more likely to keep rules that they help make. We also found that they are more willing to make rules when they understand the why behind needing them. Tell them how damaging pornography can be. Then trust them to help you make rules to keep the family safe. They will surprise you!

5. Have a healthy dialogue about dating, marriage, love, and sex. 

Pornography distorts a child’s view of what real love is. Pornography teaches a child to objectify another person. When parents talk positively and honestly about dating, marriage, love, and sex, we teach them that people are for loving in real ways. Sex is an expression of that love and is most satisfying within a devoted relationship. There is no room for pornography in a healthy relationship because it teaches us that people are to be used instead of loved. 

6. Talk about your body and the bodies of others in uplifting, positive ways. 

Pornography will challenge the self-esteem of a person because of its ability to distort the reality of the human body. Let them know how beautiful and amazing the human body is and that it should be treated with respect. Bodies are not perfect and come in all shapes and sizes. Speak kindly about your body and the bodies of others.  

7. Watch for warning signs. 

Is your child unusually stressed, tired, depressed, secretive, and removed? While this might indicate many different types of problems, it might also be time to ask about and reevaluate their digital habits. They may be struggling with pornography. Be supportive and ready to help.

Keeping Kids Safe 

I know these steps have helped in our home. My son, now 13, is a happy and healthy teenager. He uses his devices in the family room because this is a rule he helped make. He knows it keeps him safe. He knows that if something does happen, he can always come talk to my husband or I because our home is a safe space. My son knows that his body is a gift and that it should be respected. He knows that the bodies of others should be respected. He knows that real relationships are built on love and trust. Above all, he knows that we love him and that we’re proud of the person he’s becoming. He knows that pornography holds no place in becoming the man he wants to be. While we can’t safeguard our children completely, these small steps can help continue the battle against pornography. 

Guest Blogger: Sarah Fairbanks

Guest Blogger: Sarah Fairbanks

Sarah Fairbanks is a student at Brigham Young University-Idaho. She is majoring in Marriage and Family Studies with an emphasis in Human Services. She will graduate in December 2021. She lives in Northern California with her husband and three children. 

 

Aborting a Fetus or a Legacy? My Plea to the 8%

by | Apr 6, 2021 | Advocacy, Guest Posts

My Great Grandma’s Legacy

Great Grandma Eulalia was 48 years old when she was pregnant with my Grandma Sue. Due to some health complications, the doctors urged Eulalia to terminate the pregnancy for the sake of her own life. Not wanting to prematurely steal away Sue’s chance to live, Eulalia refused the abortion and accepted her possible fate.

On March 29th 1943, my grandma Sue was born in a successful delivery. She struggled with some health complications, including polio, but she was a fighter and gained her strength over the years. Eulalia also regained her strength and lived to see her daughter grow into adulthood. Both women dedicated their lives to service, family, developing talents, and finding happiness in the small and simple things. To this day, my Grandma Sue is a radiant source of love and wisdom. She reflects the selfless sacrifice that brought her into this world.

I am so grateful that my Great Grandma Eulalia was courageous enough to risk her life for my grandmother’s chance to live. Imagine how tragic it would have been to cut Sue’s life short when, in the end, she was to be born a healthy child. If my Grandma Sue had been aborted, my dad would have never been born. I would have never been born. My great grandmother was a hero for her valiance. Without her desire to give her daughter all she had—even her own life—generations of lives would never have come to pass.

 Abortion Today

Abortion is a hot topic in the United States today. The constant debate still stands: Who do we defend? The mother, or the child? In a 2019 survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, 61% of adults believed that abortion should be legal. Reasons for supporting abortion stem from a sincere concern for the mother. Some of these reasons can include: observing the rights and choices of the mother, interruptions in personal life plans, age of the mother (e.g., being too young or too old), and cases of rape. Additionally, supporters may view abortion as an act of compassion towards the unborn child. After all, who wants to subject a child to a fatherless or poverty-stricken home? Above all, perhaps the most fervently supported reason for abortion is the potential health risks that could endanger the mother’s life.  

According to research provided by the John Hopkins Hospital, 8% of pregnancies entail health complications that are threatening to the mother and/or child’s life.  These complications are real and truly frightening.  Sometimes, even with careful consideration of the child’s life, termination of the pregnancy is necessary.  However, with the advanced medical care provided today, these brave women can look not only at the risks, but also the possibilities.  My plea is to the 8%—and all those who stand with them. Think of the life you can give. Think of the lives they can give. Abortion does not only terminate one life—it can terminate generations. I am evidence of that!

Your unborn child is not only a daughter or son, but a future sibling, spouse, parent, grandparent, citizen, and friend. Your child could be one of the brilliant minds to join the battalion of doctors, lawyers, educators, scientists, and political leaders. Consider the impact your unborn child could have on others!

This isn’t just a matter of you or the child. This is a matter of everyone who will ever come into contact with them. Your child will be a valuable contributor to society as one of the rising generation. We need their mind, their heart, their passion, and their influence.

 Is Abortion the Only Option?

Some believe women deserve the right to choose to terminate the pregnancy. But when you have only one solution, that doesn’t actually give you a lot of choice, does it? If we want women to be truly liberated—let’s give them options! You don’t have to be pinned up against the wall with abortion as the only way out.

Thankfully, many doctors are dedicated to helping women have a healthy, successful pregnancy. Many organizations also aim to help expectant mothers preserve the life of their child and the mother regardless of their situation. Pregnancy Resource Centers offer a variety of services across the nation. Some are simply centers dedicated to providing mothers with the best information necessary to make an educated decision about their pregnancy. Others offer more extensive services such as medical aid, parenting classes, help finding employment, and adoption.  

PRCs are making a difference case by case, life by life. For example, a Parenting Support Program in Indiana is happily serving 72,000 women already.  This program has helped many of these women turn away from abortion and find a safe, alternative route to keeping the pregnancy.

Click here to find help near you! 

Life for Your Lily


Eulalia named her daughter Sue—meaning lily. The lily flower represents purity, fertility, and new life. My grandma Sue is a beautiful representation of all that the lily flower signifies. She couldn’t defend her own life from the womb. She lives today because her mother chose life for her.   

Be brave like my Great Grandma Eulalia. Choose life for your lily!

  

 

 Sue Deon Olsen Jensen
1943 – Present 

 

About the Author

About the Author

Juliette Jensen is a senior at Brigham Young University-Idaho. She will graduate in July 2021 with a bachelor’s degree in Child Development.  After graduation, she plans to pursue a master’s degree in Speech and Language Pathology.  In her free time, Juliette enjoys music, traveling, writing, and spending time with friends and family.

Where Have All the Fathers Gone?

by | Jan 19, 2021 | Advocacy, Guest Posts, Parenting

Father holds baby

My Dad’s Influence

Growing up in a family with 9 kids — 8 girls and 1 boy — my dad did everything he could to meet our needs and to keep us safe. When I was young, my dad would go around the house late at night after everyone was home to lock the doors. This is just one simple way my dad worked to keep his family secure and protected. I felt safe, cared for, and even more importantly, deeply loved when my dad was around. 

His influence on me and our family was profound. He was kind, involved and worked hard to provide for and protect our family. He strove for continual improvement in his life and loved my mother fiercely. I couldn’t be more grateful for my dad. Can’t you just see how much he loves his family in the photo below?

A group of people posing for the camera Description automatically generated

Unfortunately, the scenario I grew up in is not the reality for a large number of children growing up in the world today. And I know there are many amazing single moms among us raising their children to the best of their ability. However, this circumstance is not the ideal for families. Research shows that children thrive best with a mother and a father to care for and raise them. Children with involved dads do better emotionally, socially, and academically than kids without dads around.

The Problem with Fatherlessness

Unfortunately, fathers’ influence in the home, community, and world is rapidly diminishing. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 19.7 million children, more than 1 in 4, live without a father in the home. As fatherlessness becomes more and more commonplace, you may be tempted to ask, “Is it really that big of a deal?” The answer is a resounding YES! And here’s why.

Fatherlessness is at the root of what drives so many problems with kids growing up in the world today. Research shows that kids who grow up without dads at home are much more likely to engage in behaviors that are detrimental to themselves and to society. 

Without a father in the home, children are: 

  • Twice as likely to drop out of high school
  • More likely to abuse drugs and alcohol
  • Four times more likely to live in poverty
  • Seven times more likely to have a teen pregnancy

The evidence is clear that having a strong and stable father or father-figure in the home leads to strong children, families and communities. 

One Solution: Watchdog Dads

Not only do we need dads at home, but we need them in the community as well. In 2012, I served as the PTA (Parent Teacher Association) president for my children’s elementary school. While serving, I learned about a program called (Watch D.O.G.S (Dads of Great Students) and decided to bring it to our school.

It was amazing to see the difference this program made in the school and community. Each week dads would volunteer to help around the school and in the classroom. Seeing dads (or grandpas or uncles) participate on a daily basis was incredible! The kids loved seeing that father figure (or even their own dad) wearing his watchdog t-shirt with pride, walking down the halls, smiling and giving all the kids high fives. Students would follow him around as if these dads were rock stars—and they practically were! 

Kids would line up to sit by him at lunch, beg for his assistance in the classroom and light up when they saw him as they came and left for school each day. Everyone wanted the “dad” on their team at recess. Every day I noticed that the Watchdog Dad was a force for good! These Watchdog Dads showed people at school and in the community just how important fathers and father-figures really are.

What Can We Do?

We can no longer casually sit on the sidelines. This issue is real and important! We can and should promote fatherhood in our homes and communities. Here are some ways to make a difference and get involved:

We need to praise and support fathers in their fathering. As the dads around us step up to their roles as fathers, we must look to their example and honor the gift of fatherhood. We must also help fathers take their place in our homes and communities. Having a father in the home is a great thing, but we need fathers who are actively involved in their children’s lives, who set a good example for them, who live honorably, who provide for physical and emotional needs, who participate in the home with loving authority, and who protect their children in every way he can. 

While the number of fatherless homes is devastating, the goal is not to merely have dads home. We’re not just saying, “Let’s get dads back in homes.” We’re saying, “Let’s get dads doing good fathering.” 

The saying goes that kids don’t come with an instruction manual. Yet thankfully for today’s dads, there’s no shortage of fabulous resources to support fathers. If you’re a dad that’s sitting on the sidelines, jump in and take your place as a father! For the rest of us, our job is to cheer these dads on in their efforts to become present and improved fathers.  As we do our part to promote and strengthen fatherhood, we’re strengthening the entire family, the community, and the world. 

For more information on the importance of fathers, check out fatherhood.org for statistics, research, and resources.

A person standing on a dry grass field Description automatically generated

Meet the Author

Amy Chariton is currently finishing her undergraduate degree in Marriage and Family Studies and following graduation wants to pursue a master’s degree in Marriage and Family therapy. She is married to her sweetheart of 20 amazing years. They have 4 kids who are her whole world. Her hobbies are trail running, hiking, backpacking and anything in the Utah mountains.

Divorce Isn’t the Worst Thing That Can Happen to Your Child

by | Sep 10, 2020 | Guest Posts, Marriage, Parenting

Divorce Isn't the Worst Thing That Can Happen to Your Child

 

50% of all children in the United States will witness a divorce between their parents. While it would be wonderful if every child could grow up in a home with two loving parents, that’s sadly not reality today. However, divorce doesn’t immediately result in the end of a child’s happiness or success. 

Divorce is not a decision that should be taken lightly. No matter the situation, divorce will have an impact on both the parents and their children. Nevertheless, in some cases kids are actually better off because of how the marital relationship affected them prior to the parental split. And as parents, there are multiple ways you can help your child adjust to make the transition smoother. 

 

Staying Together Isn’t Always the Best Solution 

Many parents who consider getting a divorce worry that this decision will completely ruin their children and their future. And their fears are somewhat justified when one considers the research showing the negative effects that divorce can have on children. Because of this fear, some parents might think that for the kids, it’ll be better if mom and dad just “tough it out.” However, choosing to stay together no matter what may actually do more harm than good. 

If divorce is on the table, parents will need to juggle the financial and emotional effects the decision will have on the family. Mild depression, anxiety, and anger are common responses among children with divorced parents. On the other hand, divorce is an important option to protect a spouse or kids from toxic relationships.

Because of the toll that divorce can take on the spouses involved, let alone a whole family, many parents just drop the idea completely. Of course, when marital problems arise and divorce is coming into the picture, it doesn’t mean that divorce has to be the answer. 

 

Divorce Alternatives

Marriage therapy, personal counseling, and honest conversations about what the actual problems are (e.g. pride and self-centeredness) rather than the symptoms (e.g. communication style or personality differences) can be incredibly beneficial. 

Before making the huge decision of whether or not you should get divorced, one should first do some very honest self-reflection — especially with the help of a licensed therapist. Dr. William J. Doherty, a marriage and family therapist and professor of family social science, explains that licensed therapists can “challenge both you and your spouse about your contributions to the problems and your capacity to make individual changes to resolve the problems.” Reflecting on your personal contributions to the relationship will not only benefit you as an individual, but it will benefit your relationship as a whole. 

While getting professional help is an important step, it’s also important to remember that you can’t change someone else. True change can only happen if it originates from within. If a relationship isn’t evolving because changes are not being made, divorce may be the result.

 

Choosing To Divorce

Now, let’s suppose that you end up choosing to get a divorce. The change is going to hurt no matter what the situation is, because you and your children now have to adapt to a new normal. 

However, this huge change doesn’t have to ruin your kids. In fact, according to one study, “there is some evidence to suggest that the majority of children whose parents divorced are not indistinguishable from their peers whose parents remained married.” 

Scores of studies have found that children form habits quickly by watching and observing those around them. If a child’s parents are displaying a verbally or physically abusive relationship, that child won’t know the difference between the parental relationship they witnessed and a healthy relationship. 

While a divorce will be difficult for the children, the changes that children experience aren’t all negative. For example, children who are no longer exposed to constant arguing, verbal or physical abuse, or unstable communication between their parents will be relieved and greatly benefited in their future. Additionally, according to child development experts, children have a built in “resiliency mechanism” that helps them to learn and bounce back from difficult circumstances with the right kind of help.

 

Emily’s Story

One of my best friends had an experience in which her parents got divorced when she was seven years old. I was curious about how the divorce impacted her and her family. So, I reached out to her for an interview. 

Me: Looking back now, what do you think influenced the decision to get a divorce?

Emily: Growing up my father was very neglectful towards me, my mother, and my brother. Because of this, my mother decided that she wanted a divorce.

Me: At the time, how did your family process the divorce? What decisions did your parents make in hopes of making it a reasonable decision?

Emily: My mom allowed my brother and I to choose the amount of involvement we had with my dad. At the beginning of the divorce I spent weekends and every other Wednesday with him and then we rotated holidays. So if I spent Thanksgiving with my mom I spent Christmas with my dad, and vice versa. I wanted to see my dad as often as I could because I wanted to still have a relationship with him, but there were multiple times when he wouldn’t show up or he’d bail before I came. So, then I started reducing my visits to once a week. Unfortunately my dad could never move past his neglectful habits, and eventually I stopped doing in-person visits all together and instead we did phone calls and emails. However, about seven years ago my father just stopped replying all together, so now I’ve completely lost all contact with him.

Me: Lastly, how has your parents’ divorce influenced both you and your brother?

Emily: It allowed both of us to have complete control and it helped me to establish my self worth not only as a daughter, but as a person. If they hadn’t divorced, I would’ve been forced to suffer my dad’s neglect and I believe it would have greatly damaged my self esteem and my idea of what healthy love looks like. 

 

How Can I Help My Child?

If you and your spouse decide that divorce is the answer, it’s possible to help your child(ren) through every step to make the new situation sustainable. Here are a few ways you can make it easier for your kids:

  • Provide emotional support
  • Have open and honest conversations about how your child is feeling
  • Prepare yourself for tough conversations 
  • Ask your child how they’re doing on a regular basis 

By doing this, you will create an appropriate outlet that allows your children to express their emotions in a healthy way. Many adolescents seek out alcohol and drugs if their emotional needs aren’t being met, so building a loving and healthy relationship between you and your child is key. 

 

Although most divorce is avoidable and unnecessary, at times it can be the best option. In some cases divorce may be better for the entire family if things are beyond repair and the family climate is incredibly toxic. Every child deserves to dwell in a home where healthy relationships are present so that in the future, they can develop healthy relationships of their own.  

 

 

Makayla Whetsel is a sophomore at Brigham Young University-Idaho studying Marriage and Family Studies. She will be serving an LDS mission before returning to school to receive her degree and certificates. In the coming years, she plans to focus in the field of social work to assist both children and adults.