by Guest Blogger | Jun 21, 2016 | Advocacy, Guest Posts, Parenting
Guest Writer: Dina Alexander, founder of Educate Empower Kids
Almost three years ago I had my first “porn talk” with my kids. This came about after reading a simple article about teens and their ever increasing access and inevitable use of pornography. As I read, I became frustrated, then scared and finally determined. I knew I had to educate my kids immediately about this danger, as well as every parent I came in contact with.
I didn’t have all the answers that first day, but it didn’t matter. I opened the door to a new dimension in my relationships with my three kids. A dimension that brought a closeness and unity to our family that was not there before.
Just days after this first talk, I began doing serious research into the devastating effects of porn consumption by children. I read, I dug, I pondered, I planned and within a few months I had created a non-profit organization. An organization that focuses on teaching parents how to create deep connections with their kids and start some pretty challenging conversations about the dangers of pornography, and its opposite, healthy sexuality.
In those first few months of researching, organizing and layering conversations with my kids, I had a tremendous worry. Was I “giving my kids ideas” (or creating an unhealthy curiosity that was not there before)?
The answer became apparent. Yes! I was “giving them ideas.”
And I want you to give your children the same ideas.
Give your kids the idea that you are a great source of reliable, honest information. Let them know through your words and actions that you can speak calmly, comfortably and rationally about human issues that affect all of us, namely, curiosity and sexuality. As you initiate discussions about these topics and pornography, share your personal experiences, spiritual values and expectations kindly and thoughtfully, your child will soon get the idea that his parents are human and make mistakes. They will also see that you are ready to talk about “tough” topics and more importantly, listen to them. I promise you as you answer your kids questions openly and sincerely and they will come back to you for your wisdom and empathy.
I also want you to give your kids the idea that there is nothing shameful or “awkward” in asking questions about and discussing one of the most amazing experiences available to human beings: true intimacy expressed through sexuality. By discussing the positive aspects of sex, you can help them know that sexual intimacy is good, beautiful and enjoyable. Follow this up with a discussion about healthy sexuality’s opposite: pornography. Take the time to explain how porn is the opposite of intimacy, can be addictive, can condition the brain, harm relationships and damage a person’s ability to relate and empathize with others.
Finally, if you continue these discussions at each stage of development, your child will get the idea that curiosity is a God-given gift. He will get the idea that his feelings and questions are normal and natural when you let him know that any question is okay and that you will not judge him harshly for asking ANYTHING.
So if you find yourself saying, “I don’t want to give them ideas.” My answer to you is “Yes! Yes you DO want to give them ideas!” By tackling these crucial topics, you and your child will grow closer together and she will know that she can rely on you to provide helpful information in a loving manner. Here are some topics to guide your conversations:
What Does a Younger Child Need to Know About Sexual Intimacy?
- Protective Information (my body belongs to me, good touch/bad touch, how to say “no”)
- Bodily Knowledge (anatomy, functions of anatomy, where do babies come from)
- Relationship Basics (self-respect, respect for others, romantic love vs. friendships)
- Media Savvy (healthy and unhealthy media messages, body image)
- *When your child is ready, discuss the mechanics of sex
What Does a Younger Child Need to Know About Pornography?
- What it is (define it)
- Where it exists (smartphones, tablets, computers, etc.)
- What to do when you see porn (Name it, Get away from it, Tell parents, Discuss feelings with seeing it, Deconstruct the images seen, How to prevent further exposure)
- Why it should be avoided
What Does an Older Child/Teen Need to Know About Sexual Intimacy?
- Sex is healthy and amazing
- Intimacy (connecting with another human being) should be the focus
- Positive and negative aspects of sex
- Protective Information (consent, how predators groom kids/teens)
- Bodily Knowledge (puberty, body image, masturbation, mechanics of sex)
- Relationship Advice (self-worth, boundaries, healthy vs. abusive relationships)
- Media Savvy (healthy/unhealthy media messages, sexting, social media)
What Does an Older Child/Teen Need to Know About Pornography?
- There is an industry targeting him/her
- It is addictiveIt destroys relationships
- It is damaging to society
- There is a way back from a porn habit/addiction
For more helpful information, conversation starters and great discussion questions for you and your kids, please check out How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography, 30 Days of Sex Talks, Empowering Your Child with Knowledge of Sexual Intimacy or 30 Days to a Stronger Child available on Amazon (LINK: http://amzn.to/1TEMnUr)
by Rob Stewart | Sep 30, 2015 | Marriage
While unhappy marriages may be unhappy for a variety of reasons, happy marriages have at least one trait in common. Simply put, in successful marriages both the husband and the wife prioritize their marriage. With never ending to-do lists and distracting technology, happy couples constantly look for ways to spend time together and nourish their marriage. These couples have learned to sift through distraction and focus on what matters most.
But this can be so challenging!
One challenge for preserving this couple time is our expanding work hours. Renowned marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman noted that contemporary couples are spending an average of 1000 more hours each year working as compared to couples just a few decades ago.
Part of this increase is due to substantially more dual-income couples than there were in previous generations. For instance, from 1950 to 2000, there was over a 250% increase in the percentage of women working. And, some of these extra hours are simply the result of increased work hours in general.
Technology: the good, the bad, and the ugly
Technology can be another large obstacle in our quest to prioritize sufficient time to nourish our marriage. Consider the following:
- One study found that adults watch an average of 2 hours and 48 minutes of TV per day.
- Another recent report suggested that people are spending an average of an additional 2 hours and 57 minutes on their smartphones or tablet each day.
- As of January of this year, it was reported that we spend an average of 1.72 hours per day with social media.
- A few years ago a TED speaker noted that, worldwide, we spend 3 billion hours a week playing video games.
To be clear, technology in and of itself isn’t inherently good or bad. Within all those hours mentioned above, there is undoubtedly a substantial amount of valuable time spent with media. However, far too many individuals squander precious time that could be used to strengthen their relationship with their spouse (and children) by spending inordinate amounts of time with technology and other forms of entertainment.
For those couples who truly want to have a happy marriage, they simply cannot afford to spend their best energy pursuing selfish activities. Plainly speaking, a never ending pursuit of entertainment and amusement can derail any marriage.
A Little Introspection
Do we see marriage for what it is? Do we recognize this relationship as the most important relationship we can ever form on Earth? Does our use of time reflect how much we treasure this relationship?
Do we truly demonstrate that we treasure our spouse by willingly turning off the TV when our spouse wants to talk? Do we prioritize our spouse’s needs more than our own interests and pursuits? And do we readily forego entertainment in order to help our spouse with housework?
If you feel like you have some room for improvement, don’t worry — so do I! If entertainment, media, and/or technology has prevented you from being the type of spouse you want to be, resolve now to be better!
Our spouse deserves a man (or woman) who will intentionally limit or avoid ever-present time wasters that could otherwise prevent us from maximizing the happiness within our marriage. Let’s resolve now to be such a man or woman!
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Rob’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Tim), please also check out the rest of our
blog and our Facebook page.
by Rob Stewart | May 6, 2015 | Marriage
January 1st is a great time to set goals for the upcoming year. There’s something about the calendar turning over from one year to the next that creates renewed motivation, determination, and optimism in many of us. It’s almost magical! We often feel empowered to make improvements that we previously hadn’t been able to make, hadn’t wanted to make, or hadn’t even realized that we needed to make.
But we clearly don’t have to wait for the calendar to turn to set goals that can bless our marriage. Regardless of the time of year or the current state of your marriage, as you read this article, consider how setting goals can help strengthen your relationship.
How do we react to disappointment?
As I write this post, it is currently May (and thus a long way from January 1st). I hope many of you are still doing well with your resolutions. But let’s be honest: some of you haven’t used your gym membership for 4 months now have you? 🙂 Others haven’t stuck to the diet quite as closely as you intended in January.
So, how do you respond to the adversity of failing – or to the adversity of succeeding at a slower pace than you desire? Do you easily give up? Do you beat yourself up with negative self-talk (“What made me think I could accomplish this goal?” “I’m just not as talented as others” “I knew I wasn’t strong enough!”) Or to prevent future disappointment, have you quit setting goals altogether?
While I suspect we’ve all been disappointed as we fall short of our goals, please recognize that these responses to adversity (negative self-talk and apathy) are toxic. In fact, they can even reduce our marital satisfaction.
Thomas Edison – King of Failure?
I’ve always been touched by how Thomas Edison reacted to failure. Do you realize that he had approximately 10,000 failed attempts before successfully inventing the incandescent light bulb? That is incredible to me! At some point (probably multiple points), he had to be tempted to throw in the towel. But he didn’t. In fact, Edison is credited with saying, “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
Wow! So, how can someone like Edison continue among so much failure? What trait or characteristic did he possess? I would suggest that the answer is resilience (and in Edison’s case, extraordinary resilience!).
The Case for Resilience
Now, let’s consider the need for resilience within the context of the marriage relationship. Have you ever disappointed yourself and/or your spouse by your behavior? Has your spouse ever disappointed you? Have you experienced unexpected financial challenges? Have there been health issues in your family? In short, have you had, or are you currently experiencing, unmet goals or frustrated expectations? The answer to at least some of these questions is “yes” for all of us.
What Does the Research Say
Research suggests that it isn’t necessarily the stressor itself (unemployment, illness, etc.) but, rather how we respond to the disappointment that has the largest influence on our marital satisfaction. For instance, some research shows how certain couples coping with the husbands’ cancer were still able to see their marital happiness improve even amidst the trial. Other research demonstrates how some couples were able to avoid drops in marital satisfaction even through the heart-wrenching trial of the death of their child.
Why were some couples in these studies able to thrive notwithstanding their difficult challenges, while other couples struggled under such trials? The answer, at least in part, is resilience.
My Challenge to You
Though it’s no longer January 1st, please still take a moment to set one more goal for 2016. Decide today to intentionally strive for increased resilience, both individually and as a couple. The good news is that we can choose how we will respond to adverse situations (including tough times during marriage). Remember, strong marriages are formed in part by the ability to weather the storms of life. Trials and challenges will come to every marriage. But how we respond to the bad weather will greatly influence our ability to achieve marital bliss.
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Rob’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Tim), please also check out the rest of our
blog and our Facebook page.
