by Rob Stewart | Sep 27, 2017 | Marriage
Question #1 – Do your marital expectations harm or enhance your marriage?
Harm – You and / or your spouse have unrealistic expectations, assuming your marriage will automatically be “happily ever after.”
Unfortunately, the media does a fantastic job portraying the dangerous myth that marital bliss is immediate and effortless. Have you bought into this myth? While marriage offers the opportunity for extraordinary happiness (and I intentionally stress the word opportunity), this takes consistent effort!
Harm – You have resigned yourself to always having a sub-par marriage.
This mindset will poison your relationship. Our expectations – good or bad – frequently influence our decisions. Regardless of how happy you are presently in your marriage, you won’t achieve the healthiest version of your marriage without first understanding that the possibility of marital happiness exists for every couple!
Enhance – You recognize that a healthy marriage is possible and that it is worth every effort to achieve such a relationship. You also realize that there is no shortcut to marital happiness. Finally, you recognize that destiny and soulmates aren’t the ingredients to marital happiness (sorry Hollywood), rather friendship, forgiveness, and hard work!
Every successful marriage for every happy couple in the world is the result of intentionality and hard work. In all of my years studying marriage and observing couples, I am yet to see an exception to this rule.
Question #2 – Are you following the blueprints to build a marriage shack or a marriage mansion?
Marriage Shack – Not to be confused with The B-52’s song “Love Shack,” if your goal is to build a marriage shack you really need set better goals [Symbol]. As you know, a shack is either haphazardly constructed of cheap materials or refers to a structure that may have once been nice but has since fallen into disrepair.
If either of these analogies describes your current marriage, you need to tear up those blue prints and create a much better design. Why have a shack when you could have a mansion?
Marriage Mansion – Admittedly, I have never lived in a mansion. But I’ve visited a few! Usually, they seem to be beautifully decorated and meticulously maintained with plenty of space.
This applies to marriages as well. The happiest of relationships are built on a beautiful friendship. These couples pay meticulous attention to each other’s needs, hopes, fears, and desires. And these couples nurture their marriage by spending ample time together.
You may not feel like your marriage resembles a mansion just yet. But if you ever hope to have that marriage mansion, it is critical that you follow the right blueprint. Marital mansions are constructed with kindness, selflessness, forgiveness, resilience, and emotional and physical intimacy. Further healthy communication and sufficient time together are always necessary to construct such a marriage.
Like me, you also may never actually live in an actual mansion (not a huge tragedy). But missing out on the opportunity to construct this type of a marriage really is a tragedy.
I encourage each of you to carefully evaluate your expectations for your marriage as well as your current blueprint for maximizing the happiness in this relationship. Remember, a truly happy marriage is worth every effort!
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by Rob Stewart | Aug 8, 2017 | Marriage
Be honest: how many movies have you seen where the culminating event, the anticipated conclusion, or the “happy ending” was a wedding? Why is that? What is it deep within us that yearns not just for marriage, but for a tremendously happy marriage?
While we may believe that Aladdin and Jasmine (or countless other fictional couples) deserve marital bliss, do we believe that such a “happily ever after” exists in real life? And do you believe that this can happen for your own marriage?
For those who have a serious desire to improve your marriage (a noble goal even if your union is already good), let me first share a few helpful tips.
1. Remember that marriage is largely effort based.
One of the reasons that I love being a marriage educator is that we all have the ability to be a good spouse. You may notice that I often use the word “intentional” in my posts. If you truly want to improve your marriage, decide now (or recommit) to be more intentional in how much effort you give to this sacred relationship. This may require a change in priorities, a reduction in hobbies, or genuinely forgiving your spouse for their humanness. Have the courage to do so! You have the potential to make immediate changes that can bless your relationship.
Years ago I played basketball in high school. While I was a good shooter, I didn’t put as much effort into playing defense. I can still picture my coach exclaiming “Stewart, defense is 1% technique, and 99% ‘wanna wanna’!”
In some ways, marriage is similar. For instance, there are techniques that can help us communicate better, improve the management of our finances, and even argue in a way that is less damaging to the relationship (these techniques and more will be covered in future posts). But most importantly, you have to “wanna wanna” give the necessary effort to nourish your marriage.
2. Be patient with your spouse (and don’t nag).
Change can take time (for you and your spouse), so exercise a lot of patience! Admittedly, it may be easier to have patience with a spouse who struggles with punctuality than one fighting with some type of addiction. However, consider ways in which intentionally being more patient could bless your relationship.
Not only that, but nagging just doesn’t work! Recent research suggests that when one spouse begins to nag the other spouse begins to withdraw (and thus becomes even less likely to change their behavior). In fact, I am not convinced that nagging has even improved one single marriage or inspired one person to change their behavior It just doesn’t work!. However, I am aware of instances where the reduction of nagging has actually led to a change in the desired behavior.
3. Shoot for the stars!
I fear we sometimes set the bar way too low with regard to marriage. While it is an accomplishment, especially today, to be married for 50 years, should simply surviving marriage be our main objective? What about the quality of the relationship?
While expecting perfection in yourself, your spouse, or your marriage can be very damaging, the happiest couples not only expect marital happiness, but they intentionally work at their marriage until they have such happiness. You can too! The reward is sweet and so very worth it!
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Rob’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Tim), please also check out the rest of our
blog and our Facebook page.
